Wednesday, 23 October 2013


What with it being October and not a whole lot to represent the Halloween holidays at the picture house this season, why not stop in for a bit of a fright with the Frugal Film Forum recommendation, Lifeforce?

This flick can be summed up in two words:- SPACE VAMPIRES.

But why stop there?

Based on one of them reading books - itself monikered 'The Space Vampires - Lifeforce conveys to us the lesson every single human born of this Earth needs to learn.  Should you ever find an implausibly big spaceship hidden in the corona of Halley's comet that contains hundreds of Manbat-esque corpses then leave it well alone.

In such a craft - which incidentally seems to have been based on something that was coughed up by a particularly ill miner - and amongst such desiccated creatures a crew of astronauts find three (one female and two male) human looking types in suspended animation.  Protocol probably suggests the explorers should take a few pics and bugger off but since one of the bodies in question is that of a barely-out-of-her-teens Mathilda May, the space blokes decide to cart their nude haul back to old Blighty in order to...erm...research them and that.


They also bring the blokes along so as to avoid any awkward questions...probably.

PS: One of the space vampire geezers is really Mick Jaggers' brother.  That's not a plot point but I think it should have been...

Over in Yankland, an escape capsule turns up and when cracked open, turns out to contain Colonel Tom.  He was one of the fellas what found the space crumpet but now reveals his intention was to blow her up in space afore she came back to Earth to suck the life out of all the men here.  If this had happened then the likes of Stan Boardman may have encountered a career revival and nobody wants that.
"I still can't fit into Topman jeans."

Anyway, everyone in the tiny village of Londinium gets turned into a kind of vampire/zombie/Joan Rivers creature.  Space vampire girl then tries to get Colonel Tom to snog Patrick Stewart or something.  This film was released in 1985 yet Patrick Stewart looks EXACTLY the same as he does now.

At this point of the movie, the various male characters finally decide they need to put something in the naked space vampire chick so head to St. Paul's Cathedral.  Here the demure young lady/monstrous space-bat-life-sucker has a quickie with Colonel Tom who now reveals that the whole bloody mess was his fault 'cause he was after a space shag on the way back to Earth.  Thanks Tom.

Things get a bit stabby and Colonel Tom ends up back in space with nude chick leaving everyone in the world to ponder 'what was all that about then?'

One day some sort of census will probably be made public that reveals Lifeforce to be the cause of most VHS machine breakages during that formats' run.  Any remaining tapes of this film are probably frayed beyond all recognition.  Lucky for us all then that this 'gem' has now found a home on Blu-Ray - just in time for that formats' need to exists to come into question once again.

So, if you're looking a film with the occasional flash of front bottom that also needs to be about sort-of-vampires from space and somehow haven't already found Lifeforce then A: What have you already been watching and B) Get on-board the Churchill and ready that trigger finger over your pause button.

Oh, go on then.